Dear Cary,
I’ve been coping with an anxiety disorder for most of my life. I know and use many of the available tools: the meds, meditation, therapy, exercise, talks with good friends, chocolate chip cookies. Engagement in living in this minute, now. Random acts of kindness and shopping.
For years I’ve managed, more or less.
But This Minute Now is outstripping all my coping skills. This minute now has me scared shitless. I’m so afraid of catching covid-19 and dying horribly, alone or my husband catching it and dying horribly, alone. I tell myself “take it one day at a time.” But sometimes that becomes “five minutes at a time.” Add to that the chaos and fury in the collapsing United States, and I am looking for a nice hole to stick my head in, or maybe an oven.
I would like to know your thoughts on how to live with fear and despair, now.
Sincerely,
Frightened in Oakland
Dear Frightened in Oakland,
Anxiety disorder makes daily life hard in the best of times. So I can understand how life in the midst of the Covid-19 pandemic must be extremely difficult. And, mind you, I’m not a doctor or psychiatrist or anything like that. But I say this to my friends: The good coping skills you have been using are still good. You must keep using those same skills. Even if it feels like they are not working, keep doing those things.
At the same time–and this is hard–accept the fact that you are going to have new levels of discomfort.
Argh. Who wants to hear that. But face it, disease is pain. Psychological disorders are not fun. They are painful. Enduring that pain is part of a healthy response.
Remind yourself to use the same skills you use when you are in pain. When you are in pain, you cope with it. When something hurts, when you have a broken limb or a toothache, and there is nothing you can do to stop the pain, you live with it, knowing it is not going to kill you, that it will eventually end, and that it is part of the healing process. You may have thoughts like “This is never going to end,” or, “I’m going to die alone with the coronavirus.” Counter those thoughts with the truth of the moment: For now, you are safe. For now, you have enough food to eat, you are able to breathe normally, you can walk around, you have a husband who loves you, you have a safe place to live, and it’s possible you have a long and relatively happy life ahead of you.
Your disorder magnifies threats. Remember: It’s not a guy with a machete climbing through the window. It just feels like a guy with a machete climbing through the window.
You ask the right question, though. You don’t ask how to eliminate the fear and despair. You ask how to live with it. A good part of that is just to accept it for what it is. Look around you. Use your five senses. Is there anything in the room that is a threat? Probably not. And yet you are anxious. It’s a rush of hormones, bodily sensations and accompanying habitual thoughts. Observe these thoughts and bodily sensations while you meditate. Let them do what they do.
But that can be really uncomfortable, too! I know what it is like when meditation isn’t working. You sit, you breathe, you do whatever you do, and those intrusive thoughts still come into the mind, the body still won’t relax, the mind still won’t arrive at a point of calm clarity.
You still have to do it. All these techniques you have learned to use over the years: Keep using them. Also, take note of things you usually do to stay mentally balanced, things which, under the pandemic, you haven’t been doing. For instance, if you are under movement restrictions, then you may not be getting the fresh air and exercise that have previously helped you cope with anxiety. So find some good exercise videos online and start a routine of indoor exercise that gets your heart beating fast and gets you sweating. Do everything you can to make your physical life more comfortable and pleasing. After exercise, take a great shower. Put on clothes that make you feel good. Listen to music you like. Dance around the room. Keep moving. Do some tasks. Drink a glass of water. Clean the windows. Disinfect surfaces. If it feels a bit compulsive to clean every surface and disinfect everything, so what. Go ahead. It can’t hurt. Do the dishes. Clean up your space. Tie your shoes. Water the plants. Sweep the steps. Prepare a good meal. Or have your favorite food delivered. Make it your job to treat yourself well. If you are working from home, slow down a bit. Cut yourself some slack. Increase the time you spend caring for yourself.
Also, if I may say so, anger is OK. As in, I’m not going to be defeated by this maladaptive neurological response to stuff beyond my control. Make that, I’m not going to be fucking defeated by this fucking maladaptive neurological response to stuff I can’t control. I’m not going to be taken down by this flood of hormones in my body. I’m not going to let these symptoms cloud my mind. Even though I may feel like jumping out of my skin or jumping out of a window, I’m not going to do that.
I’m not going to act like a fool.
Nope. I’m going to eat some yogurt and water the plants.
Go ahead, curse the damn thing. Stomp around. Shout. Shake your fist. Yell at the TV. Pound a pillow. Whatever you do to assert your anger, that’s OK. Do it. That’s good survival anger. That’s your red-hot animal desire to survive.
I’m not pointing out anything you don’t already know. Nor am I suggesting that there isn’t a real threat out there. There is a real threat out there. And there are appropriate responses. Wear a mask. Wash your hands. Maintain physical distance.
Put on your raincoat.
Dear Cary and Frightened in Oakland,
I agree with your suggestions, but I would add one thing: action.
There is nothing more empowering than taking some kind of political or helping action with a group of people that is organized to make the kind of change you want to see in the world. I understand depression/anxiety all too well. But on the days you can pick yourself up, I suggest joining with a local community group (such as a local food pantry) to help out those less fortunate, OR to join a local or national group (so many like Indivisible, MoveOn, ACLU, NAACP, or many other organizations dedicated to getting out the vote and changing the direction of the country. Action is the antithesis of anxiety. It answers anxiety. Gradually you may feel less powerless and slightly more in charge in your own part of the world. It is still possible to connect with others even in this pandemic and to turn things around. All the best to you!
Yes, I agree. “Action is the antithesis of anxiety. It answers anxiety.” Totally. Thanks!–ct
I too have struggled with anxiety, and I gotta say that the thing that has helped me the most, in this trying time, is not partaking of the news. I mean, I do what I can to help the situation – I donate, I write letters. But other than that, I tune out. I focus on myself and my life, which are OK right now. No one would be helped by me freaking out because I watched Trump say something idiotic on the news.
Oh boy, thanks for that. I should probably cut down. Because I live in Italy, I have an extra feeling of, “I’ve gotta know what’ happening in my country!” But seriously, you are absolutely right. I’ve been running into the tv room like every hour or so. It’s insane! And I’ve been feeling anxious because of it. OK, that’s it: No More TV for Mr. Tennis Today! (thx)
I too am scared. My in-laws are in their 90’s and no one wants to touch them. They are Italisns and very touchy feely people but we are all scared of the ‘what ifs’. What I do now, like you suggest Cary is follow what a therapist once told me – cut out all media…tv, books, magazines, radio that over stimulate you to the point they overwhelm you with thoughts that are beyond your control. I do things I can control like read a book (reading ‘Life’ by Keith Richards) or enjoy a cup of tea outside while listening to birds sing and trying to identify them or bury my head in my garden or simply go for a walk somewhere…always somebody to say hi too. That’s the best I can do. I’ve given up on trying to know everything and I feel better.
Yes. This is the key. As I said in a reply to Carol’s comment, I have been a little obsessive about the TV and it’s doing me no good. I’m better off reading and playing music. That’s my new program: No more indiscriminate CNN watching!-c-t
Hey Marilyn; I loved that book (and I was surprised at how much I loved it). If you’re in your sixties, like I am, it’s like looking through a photo album in a way. Amazing “voice.” I thought his takes on music and that search for THAT sound (and I’m sure Cary can relate) completely fascinating. Another book I can recommend about that period is Price of Illusion by Joan Juliet Buck.
Good answer. In fact, it’s the only answer, Gratitude, activity, finding pleasure in small things. It’s all we have right now. I honestly feel that part of the reason some people call covid a hoax, and refuse to wear masks is because they think if they deny the threat, then the threat doesn’t exist. It’s childish and stupid, but I think that’s what they are doing.